Sleepless Nights, Screeching Thoughts, Starry Skies

God are you there?

Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash

I have not been sleeping well. There are a host of things going on in my life. One being the ongoing family issues surrounding the care of my brother that do not look like they will be reconciled. But there are also many things that are cause for joy and celebration—My Youngest son just proposed to his girlfriend and We are all overjoyed. If you are new to my Substack then you may not be aware that my husband and I care for my Intellectually Disabled 66 year old brother. He came to live with us almost three years ago after the death of my older sister. He had lived with her for seventeen years.

Sometimes family issues just take it out of us. There can be deep and sometimes unresolvable issues when the care of a family member falls to you. If you have not read our story then start here…..,

A few nights ago, I woke up at three am. That has become a habit lately. I do not have trouble falling asleep but it’s the dark of the night that sleeplessness comes and when it does so do unwanted, dark, accusing and almost debilitating thoughts. Why is it that middle of night thoughts usually bring out the dark monsters that are lurking in the hidden recesses of our brains?

“Why didn’t I do this, What if I should do this, What if this happens?!! If they say this, Then I will say this. If they do this, Then I will do this. STOP THAT! GO AWAY! THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE! Think about our grandson….., so full of joy….., I love watching him laugh and play. Think about that…., AND My son just got engaged, Think about that. WAIT! What’s that bible verse I need right now? Oh Yeah, Think on these things…, whatsoever is pure, whatsoever is lovely, whatsoever is good, I can’t think of the rest of that but.., Think on these things…., then repeat…, okay that helps……, But what if this happens, WHY DID THEY SAY THAT TO ME? WHY DID I SAY THAT TO THEM? Gosh, why am I such a terrible person. I think I’m losing my mind! STOP!! Think on these things. What was that verse again? GEEZE…., Why can I not remember those bible verses in the middle of the night—when I really need them.”

Does this ever happen to you? Even a pill that is suppose to help me relax doesn't last during these dark episodes. Tossing, Turning, Thinking.

On this particular night my thoughts were tormenting me so terribly that I just got up. I walked outside into the dark night and sat down on a lounge chair and just gazed upward at the stars. As I sat there, I had this thought. I could just go get my keys, jump in my car and run away. But then I remembered that my gas tank was very low because I decided to wait and fill it up the next day. So, no way was I stopping at a 24 hour gas station to put gas in my car in the middle of the night. I was in my Pajamas for goodness sake! So much for running away in the middle of the night!

So, I sat there and looked up and I gazed at the stars.

“Where are you God? Are you listening? Do you care? Can you help? Will you help?”

God and I did not resolve any answers that night. Sometimes, he does not speak. Sometimes he just listens. He lets us rage and cry out and complain. Even with curse words at times. I used several that night as my mind raged over and over. He understands. He does not condemn my thoughts or strike me with lightening when I just can’t believe. But what I did experience that night was His creation glowing, twinkling and just being. Just Being. I want to learn to just be in these moments of questions. He set those stars in place, He set me in this place. He knit me together in my mother’s womb, (Psalm 139). My life has meaning and purpose because he created me. Who am I, that you even think of me God.., that you crown me with your glory even when I do not shine like the stars. You crown me with your glory even in my darkest moments. You crown me with your presence.

Nope, no answers that night. Just God sitting with me in my struggles and letting me rant. Then showing me the work of his fingers and reminding me that I too am a work of His fingers. Even at 64, I still have much to work on. Life is a never-ending process of change and learning. Scripture tells me God will not abandon me. He is with me even if I do not sense his presence. I see his presence in the stars.

After Thoughts and Suggestions on those dark nights.

These are the deep conversations that we all should have. We do not have to sit alone in our darkness and pain. God gave us each other. Many of us struggle with these dark night moments. We cry out. We feel tormented. All we want is to just sleep and have it go away.

The following are a few things I am doing or have done on those dark sleepless nights.

• Audio books— Right now I am listening to Henri Nouwen’s book Following Jesus I listen to a chapter on those nights my mind is irrational. Sometimes I listen to the same chapter several nights. As I listen to the narrator read, it calms my racing mind and helps me focus better of Jesus.

• Dwell Bible App. This is a great resource for listening to prayers and scripture. They have several categories. One is a sleep category. The narrators have soft soothing voices for listening to scripture or prayers. You can set a time limit to the scripture readings. This helps me relax and sometimes just fall back asleep.

OR

• A few times, I have just gotten up out of bed. I know, you think as I do, if I just lay here I will eventually go back to sleep. But sometimes, the sleep just will not come. My counselor told me that sometimes it is just best to get up for a bit. SO, I may make a cup of chamomile tea-my favorite has lavender in it. I sit in the dark with a blanket and just try and relax.

• On occasion as I mentioned above, I go outside and sit and stare at the sky. Something about staring into the starry night sky mesmerizes me and I talk to God.

• I have found that often my morning prayer time and writing in my prayer journal can help prepare me for the night struggles. Think of it as a runner “Carb Loading”. Before a long run, athletes may go out for pasta the night before. They are loading up on carbs. If we “scripture load” - meaning reading and meditating on scripture, it can prepare our minds for those dark nights. There may still be those nights that we cannot remember that scripture. But when I consciously commit a word to my mind, I can often recall it at night. For instance, this morning through my prayer time and scripture the phrase THE LORD IS NEAR was repeated. So throughout today I am reminding myself that THE LORD IS NEAR, That He is with me through the hard stuff.

• And as Mister Rogers use to say. “Look for the Helper”. Share with a friend, talk with someone you trust about those fears you have. I once shared with someone and they told me that the enemy was attacking me. That was not helpful! We need those we confide in to just listen at times. I have those friends that do that. I know who I can trust. When we name it out loud, that alone can bring comfort. We are acknowledging we are struggling. I believe if we try and bury our thoughts and not work through them, that just places heavier burdens on us. Why did I think I was a bad person? Is there something I need to work on in my life or am I giving someone else’s expectations of me more priority than my own needs. Talk with someone and maybe that’s a counselor.

• Sometimes, medicine is helpful. I often think of Jesus healing the blind man. He spit on the ground and made mud then placed it on the man’s eyes. Why did Jesus do that? All other healings we read about, Jesus just laid his hands on the person or spoke the healing. Years ago when my youngest son was born, I went through a horrible postpartum depression. There were days I could not get out of bed. It was during this time that this scripture story jumped out at me. It is found in John chapter 9. I did not want to go on antidepressants. I thought I should just have enough faith. (a common belief that is false) Can’t I just pray this away? No. Sometimes we need several resources in our healing. Jesus used mud to heal the mans eyes. To me, Jesus was saying, I use many methods of healing. Jesus didn’t just place his hands on the mans eyes, he mixed up a medical mudpie and used it, then he told the man to go wash in the pool of Siloam. (John 9:1-7) That gave me so much relief. Sometimes, we need action along with prayer. So, I repeat, Sometimes medicine is helpful. Use it.

• I have tried different supplements that have helped me. GABA, 5HTP, and Melatonin are all things I have used. Consult your doctor about these. My personal Doctor has confirmed these are good supplements to try.

If you have other suggestions, please comment below. I am sure several of us could use resources for those dark sleepless nights. And again, Thanks for reading. Maybe you know someone who could use these words. Click the button below and share it.